break more needles
acting outside of my insides
no merit |. 2023
I finished the bag series & dropped it on instagram a few days before Christmas.
I apologize for not posting about it here, as intended, as I said I would. I got spooked; wasn’t sure I would follow through until the moment I pressed send & shot it into the algorithm.
It turned out to be a success. All of the bags sold in a matter of hours. We raised $600 for the Adalah Justice Project and Palestinian Youth Movement.
This process was a deep reminder in the importance of finishing things; in the wrapping of the bow and naming completion.
I spent weeks wondering how to execute the drop, having never done one before. I ran over every kind of scenario in my mind. I built a website and abandoned it the day prior.
On the day of the release, I was still in limbo.
So many components were up in the air. Indecision was offering me an out.
An hour beforehand, I resolved to commit. Strangely, this is when everything I had been mulling over fell into place. It happened when I finally said yes.
“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too.” ¹
I’ve always loved this quote. But I hadn’t seen the part about surrender; that there is surrender in commitment. I can’t just white knuckle it. In order to conspire with the muses, I have to take my hands off of the wheel. To commit is to acknowledge I’m not actually in control. Providence moves when I decide to let go.
Indecision is where I lose aliveness - endlessly ruminating in place. I’m imagining a bike wheel, just spinning. No friction. No real life feedback. All illusion and thought.
Deciding is motion.
These bags are 4 years of trial & error; of riffing off of people’s requests and desires to make them better. They are endless material exploration - searching for the best buckles, webbing, mesh.
first mock up |. 2019
Circumstances also fueled the process. I built the first prototypes while working at a screen printing shop. There I met the printer who helped me find the perfect paint formula, who mixed that paint, printed the first bags & taught me to use a manual press. I met the owners who let me print after hours.
Early on, I would break a few needles per bag. This is not normal or good practice. Skipped stitches were another issue. I had no experience working with such thick materials. It took me a long while to figure out the formula.
I remember when it all finally started to click, years into the making. I sewed a bag without breaking or skipping a thing. The process used a fraction of my normal effort. It was finally paying off. I became a better sewer.
Everything I learned came to me in the act of doing. I could’ve never predicted the myriad of pitfalls or serendipity that happened along the way. I think this is one of my perpetual life lessons.
Movement is made when I act outside of my insides.
After the drop, I found myself fumbling the final stretch. Money was spent, but I felt resistance around actually shipping the bags out. Not because I wanted to keep them, but because this was the final act of letting go, complete loss of control.
I guess this is the magic & terror of the creative process. You must show up to do your part. You can only ever do your part. And then you must let go.
Finishing is an act of surrender.
¹ William H. Murray, Scottish mountaineer